Saturday, 2 June 2012

E3 Predictions - by Michael Dodds



With E3 fast approaching, gamers everywhere are already prophesying treats we’re in for. In keeping with festivities, here are some of my of predictions for E3 2012.

The announcement of the next Super Smash Brothers game; Super Smash Brothers:   Rumpus. New characters include Bubsy the Cat and Leon from Resident Evil. Such hair.

His "Up and B" attack is to look a bit rapey.


A gameplay trailer of Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 delivers a shock. The game, (which is man vs. technology in the near distant future) is revealed to be the next Deus Ex game (and not just a f***ing rip off of the franchise). Robot Nazi zombies are confirmed, much to the delight of 12 years olds worldwide.

Valve announces an HD, 3D rerelease of the Half Life series, with side missions, RPG elements, zombie mini-games, and, of course, customizable hats for all. They also announce that their writers are attending advanced mathematics courses at Cambridge in an effort to break the barrier known as “Counting to 3”.

Bethesda announces new Skyrim downloadable content. You can now get armor for your house plants, milk cows, and play the lute. You can also play as a Falmer character, although NPCs will attack and kill you instantly.

A naked Peter Molyneux rides a unicycle across the stage while juggling burning coals. Many will say this is a apology for leaving Microsoft, but most will believe that he has simply lost his shit.

Mio's expression as he overhears Peter muttering nonsense about 'feeling love' and 'uploading dreams'.


A gameplay trailer for Assassins Creed 3 will be shown, in which even more tea drinking Brits with bad teeth get violently tomahawked to death for simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time. The soundtrack to Team America plays throughout. SERVES ‘EM RIGHT.

Uncharted 4: Solitary Confinement will be announced, where the law finally catches up with Nathan Drake and he is done for War Crimes. Played in real time, Nate has to serve several hundred life sentences in prison, each for the snapped neck of every mercenary who was just working a dodgy job to give his kids a good Christmas (Jesus, that got dark. Sorry everyone).

Sony admits that the Playstation Vita was neither big nor clever, and apologizes that it costs more than a premier league footballer. Nonetheless, sufficient time has passed for a newer, smaller, more powerful and more expensive version to be announced.

The cretin who made the dancing mini-game in Kinect Star Wars, single handedly destroying any credibility the franchise had remaining, will be forced to do the “The Speeder” until his arms fall off.

C-3P0 totally wants to be in on this. D2 couldn't be less arsed.


The rumored “origin” game for Gears of War will be announced by Microsoft. It follows the delightful (yet violently psychopathic) childhood adventures of Marcus n’ Dom, as they beat up smaller children and pull the wings off flies.
Scantily clad ladies will be present in various forms of cosplay, lining their (absent) pockets with lovely cash from game companies, while the masses get something to leer at. Everyone wins.

A confusing mass of grey and brown will be shown on screen for a few minutes, to a soundtrack of screeching tires, gunshots and strong continental accents. It will later be revealed that this was a trailer for GTA V.

Pokémon Mauve and Pokémon Burgundy will be announced. The increasingly bland starting Pokémon will be revealed to be a cute water pistol, a sarcastic looking box of matches, and a badass potted petunia.

Pikmin 3 trailer. No jokes here. That’ll be great.

Monday, 28 May 2012

The Trouble with Meal Deals - By Michael Dodds


As has happened perhaps a few too many times in my life, I found myself on the phone with a friend who was seeking enlightenment on a recently purchased Xbox 360 from a suitably geeky guru.

Among the confusing mass of wires, manuals and online instructions, there were three games that came with the Meal Deal, which the amateur gamer so wolfishly sinks their teeth into. The latest update of Fifa (Fifa 20.1.2?) was of course present, as was Max Payne 3 and Mass Effect 3; all new releases.

I could not think of a worse combination of games for a new gamer.

It’s not that these games are bad. Mass Effect 3, which I have yet to play, is tipped as one of the best games so far this year, while Max Payne 3 has been receiving flattering reviews. Concurrently, Fifa is like white toast with margarine. Uninteresting, but somewhat satisfying, and the bulk of many amateur gamers’ diets. Fair enough.

'GOAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!'


I just had a problem with the lack of variety. What happens if you get sick of shooting aliens in Mass Effect 3 over the shoulder? I suppose you could stick Max Payne 3 on and shoot some Brazilian gangsters over the shoulder. Or just play Fifa, an update of that game you’ve played since you were 5. Hardly stimulating.

I remember unboxing my Nintendo Gamecube when it was released in 2002 (I was 9 at the time). Included in the bundle was Luigi’s Mansion, Star Wars Rouge Squadron II, and a relatively unknown gem of a game, Cel Damage, which involved racing around a cartoon world eating up other cars with a wood chipper. Marvelous.

I didn’t purchase another Gamecube game for about six months. I just didn’t need to. The variety of the games I got with the bundle meant I never got bored of playing. Luigi’s Mansion remains one of my favorite titles to this day. Even at age 9, I enjoyed feeling like the underdog, on his own big adventure. Hours were spent racing around the mansion, bellowing Mario’s name by mashing the A button. The whole point of the game was to rescue the character who was actually important. It was true genius, though I digress. Rouge Squadron II was the challenge. I haven’t forgotten the satisfaction of blowing up my first Star Destroyer after being blasted apart by laser fire for the umpteenth time. Cel Damage, as I’ve mentioned, was just stupid multiplayer fun.

I'll give you a clue, this still did not come from "Luigi's Mansion"


This is a good formula, which I’ll call the Law of Profitable Bundles. A game bundle of 3 should include a game which is challenging, a game which is immersive, and a game which is ridiculously fun to play with mates.

Today however, game bundles offered by most major retailers let you shoot things, (Halo Anniversary, Mass Effect 3 etc.) or kick something (Fifa 12, Fifa Street, UFC Undisputed 3). Its understandable that they are catering to the market of first time console buyers, who are likely to play these games in comparison to the nerdy folk who have been glued to their controllers since leaving the womb. It’s just a shame. It’s a shame because it means most people don’t get the very most out of their game console, which, for the money they paid, they should.

There is also an annoying tendency to sell sequels to story driven games in console bundles. Mass Effect 3 is the classic example here. How can you fully enjoy that game without understanding the previous trials of Shepherd and his crew? Your Shepherd, and your crew? It does nothing but constrict the personal enjoyment of an otherwise excellent game.

"Fuck it, let's just skip to the end!"


So, if, by chance, you are reading this, and were on the verge of buying an Xbox 360, do it, and by all means get the Meal Deal. Go large. I don’t mind. However, do you want to play some truly amazing, and fairly recent releases with all the variety of a Victorian Freak show? (bad analogy) My advice to you, then, is to avoid the bundles, and purchase the following:

Deus Ex: Human Revolution (The challenging)
The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim (The immersive)
Rayman Origins (The stupid good fun with mates)

Thank me later.